The Papillon
Many months had passed away but life was not back to normal. I had started drinking too much. I had started avoiding my friends, for I had nothing to tell them about what had happened between me and Jia. I could never tell them the truth because, though there was nothing much left now, I didn’t want to defame her. She was the girl I used to love. I never wanted anyone to point a finger at her character. Every place here in Manipal did hold a smell of hers. I used to cross the college building everyday where we once used to spend our evenings, the restaurants we went to. Sunset at the end point was not the same now. At The same stairs where she had once asked me to quit smoking, I used to sit and smoke there. The coins kept on the tracks of the railway over bridge used to suffer the same fate even now, but my fate was changed. The same humid wind used to cover me every evening at the beach with sea roaring at my feet but the touch of the wind had changed. I was not myself. I was incomplete.
Every day, every waking hour I used to fake a smile in front of all my friends, trying hard not to let them know what I was feeling, trying not to show them how much I had cried clinging to my memories when the darkness fell on me in the night. My cell phone never rang again with the name Barbie flashing on it. There were nights when we used to wait for the clock to strike eleven, now I didn’t want to be awake at nights though I could not sleep peacefully anymore. Every morning used to be the same blank morning like yesterday; I used to wake up with a dream as well as a memory. Every word that I had never said echoed down my empty mind. I don’t know what I was suffering from, but the pain, I was feeling in every tick of the time. Though I had tried hard to forgive her, but there was something that was keeping me awake. I tried hard to control myself, I couldn’t. I went to see the doctor and came back with a few sleeping pills. I never took them. Instead I started drinking everyday. That didn’t help me in sleeping but used to carry me to a place where I didn’t have the fear of dreaming anymore. I was afraid of dreaming. I was afraid of everything.
No matter how hard I tried, the change was visible in me. My friends used to talk about me behind my back. I never wanted their sympathy. I never wanted them to talk about me, because I didn’t have an explanation to whatever happened, other than the truth which I didn’t intend to reveal.
Its not that nobody came in my life after that, but I guess I was not ready. Something was keeping me awake for nights. I used to write down all my feelings in my diary. I started avoiding my friends to avoid their talks, their possible questions. I was becoming more and more alone, more and more paranoid. I shifted to the tenth block, a hostel where I could live in single room. I was running away from everything. I was running after nothing.
Her memories used to haunt me everywhere. I could hear her laughter in the slightest of silences. I had burnt all her photographs, her gifts and letters. I wanted to remove her from my memories, from every bit of it, but that was not possible. She was a part of my life. I couldn’t delete a part of my own self. My life had become a prison for me; the only way to escape it was to give it away.
When you kiss a girl for the first time, why does she always ask if you will ever leave her? Why does she pretend to love you more than anything when she doesn’t? Why don’t people know their limits?
Every evening when I used to cross the road by the Royal lodge, the hotel which had once become a second home for us, I used to look at it. I wanted to touch those moments once again. She running up the stairs and asking me to run with her. We had spent the first night of our lives here, after we accepted each other as our better halves. All those moments were gone now and what remained was a pain, unbearable, triggered by everything the wind touched here.
I don’t have the idea how, but I gave into drugs. By the time I realized it, it was too late. My friends had started talking about me once again, nothing good. Someone told me, I had a different look in my eyes. I seemed to be gazing infinity. Every moment I used to seem being lost somewhere. I never had a problem coping with change. Change had been a part of my life. As a student I had changed 6 schools, I have been in four different cities in different grades, but this change was different. This changed had taken away from me something, something which defined me.
My academics were worsening; my health was deteriorating, my social life narrowed down to a few friends who just loved drinking. I began to hate life. I began to hate myself. Last three years had given me so many things, and in one week, life took everything away from me!
One fateful night I decided to end everything up. I already had my sleeping pills with me. Though today I know what a coward I was being by deciding to do so, but I wanted to escape the walls which echoed everything from my past. It was midnight and was the time I had decided this to take place. I wrote a suicide note addressing nobody. I apologized to mom, dad and my brother for they were the ones who were going to suffer the same fate as me, loosing a part of their life without any fault of theirs. I mentioned there, how much I loved Jia. I asked her to be mine in the next life. My hands were shaking and tears were rolling down my cheek while I was holding the pen in my hand. I was covered in cold sweat. I was going to end everything. I don’t have any idea if I could have done so had that call would not have come.
She was Suniti, a very old friend of mine, who had somehow got my number through facebook and had called me up. She had no idea about what situation she had called me up in. she didn’t know about Jia, she didn’t talk anything about Jia. We had lost contact much before Jia came into my life. But that night she reminded me something which brought me back to life. She reminded me of myself.
“What has happened to that Sameer? You sound so different!”
“I don’t know”
“No, you are not the same Sameer I once knew, he was never this way, today when I am talking to you, I am feeling as if I am talking to a looser”
“I know that”
“What do you mean by ‘I know that’? You never used to say things like this. You remember your own words? Nothing can stop me from getting what I want. Nothing can pull me down. You were so vibrant, so charming, you never let anyone go sad in your vicinity, how come you are sounding so sad now?”
No matter how hard I tried, the change was visible in me. My friends used to talk about me behind my back. I never wanted their sympathy. I never wanted them to talk about me, because I didn’t have an explanation to whatever happened, other than the truth which I didn’t intend to reveal.
Its not that nobody came in my life after that, but I guess I was not ready. Something was keeping me awake for nights. I used to write down all my feelings in my diary. I started avoiding my friends to avoid their talks, their possible questions. I was becoming more and more alone, more and more paranoid. I shifted to the tenth block, a hostel where I could live in single room. I was running away from everything. I was running after nothing.
Her memories used to haunt me everywhere. I could hear her laughter in the slightest of silences. I had burnt all her photographs, her gifts and letters. I wanted to remove her from my memories, from every bit of it, but that was not possible. She was a part of my life. I couldn’t delete a part of my own self. My life had become a prison for me; the only way to escape it was to give it away.
When you kiss a girl for the first time, why does she always ask if you will ever leave her? Why does she pretend to love you more than anything when she doesn’t? Why don’t people know their limits?
Every evening when I used to cross the road by the Royal lodge, the hotel which had once become a second home for us, I used to look at it. I wanted to touch those moments once again. She running up the stairs and asking me to run with her. We had spent the first night of our lives here, after we accepted each other as our better halves. All those moments were gone now and what remained was a pain, unbearable, triggered by everything the wind touched here.
I don’t have the idea how, but I gave into drugs. By the time I realized it, it was too late. My friends had started talking about me once again, nothing good. Someone told me, I had a different look in my eyes. I seemed to be gazing infinity. Every moment I used to seem being lost somewhere. I never had a problem coping with change. Change had been a part of my life. As a student I had changed 6 schools, I have been in four different cities in different grades, but this change was different. This changed had taken away from me something, something which defined me.
My academics were worsening; my health was deteriorating, my social life narrowed down to a few friends who just loved drinking. I began to hate life. I began to hate myself. Last three years had given me so many things, and in one week, life took everything away from me!
One fateful night I decided to end everything up. I already had my sleeping pills with me. Though today I know what a coward I was being by deciding to do so, but I wanted to escape the walls which echoed everything from my past. It was midnight and was the time I had decided this to take place. I wrote a suicide note addressing nobody. I apologized to mom, dad and my brother for they were the ones who were going to suffer the same fate as me, loosing a part of their life without any fault of theirs. I mentioned there, how much I loved Jia. I asked her to be mine in the next life. My hands were shaking and tears were rolling down my cheek while I was holding the pen in my hand. I was covered in cold sweat. I was going to end everything. I don’t have any idea if I could have done so had that call would not have come.
She was Suniti, a very old friend of mine, who had somehow got my number through facebook and had called me up. She had no idea about what situation she had called me up in. she didn’t know about Jia, she didn’t talk anything about Jia. We had lost contact much before Jia came into my life. But that night she reminded me something which brought me back to life. She reminded me of myself.
“What has happened to that Sameer? You sound so different!”
“I don’t know”
“No, you are not the same Sameer I once knew, he was never this way, today when I am talking to you, I am feeling as if I am talking to a looser”
“I know that”
“What do you mean by ‘I know that’? You never used to say things like this. You remember your own words? Nothing can stop me from getting what I want. Nothing can pull me down. You were so vibrant, so charming, you never let anyone go sad in your vicinity, how come you are sounding so sad now?”
“I don’t know?”
“What the hell is this? Stop this? Is there something wrong? If you don’t know then who will know?”
I didn’t say anything; whatever she was telling me was beginning to make a sense.
“Is there something wrong Sameer? I might have contacted you after long, but I am still the same friend of yours who’s lunch you used to steal and used to put a comment in there telling that it was nice. Do you remember those things? Do you remember me even? Are you drunk? What is wrong with you Sameer?”
I disconnected the phone.
In our lives, sometimes we take our defeats so seriously that we stop seeing the world around us. I turned to the mirror that hung on my wall and studied myself for some time. I could see a boy in his twenties, hair grown long, messed up, unshaven for weeks, eyes red with anguish, dark circles around them, face- thin and wearied. I could see a looser standing in front of my reflection, examining himself. I looked deep in those eyes; the anguish had a shade of revenge. But against whom? The girl whom I used to love? No. The girl, who destroyed me? I was not sure.“What the hell is this? Stop this? Is there something wrong? If you don’t know then who will know?”
I didn’t say anything; whatever she was telling me was beginning to make a sense.
“Is there something wrong Sameer? I might have contacted you after long, but I am still the same friend of yours who’s lunch you used to steal and used to put a comment in there telling that it was nice. Do you remember those things? Do you remember me even? Are you drunk? What is wrong with you Sameer?”
I disconnected the phone.
How long can someone stick to love and pretend that someday love will find a way? How long can he pretend that he is happy while every night he drowns himself in his own tears? My love had made a cocoon around me. I was not able to see things clearly, for all I wanted to see was a past which had gone away from me. How long can someone remain like this? How long can someone cling to his defeats? Life is like a wave, it has its crests and troughs, and after each crest a trough is bound to come, and after each trough, there is a crest. We can neither go uphill or downhill for all our life, we have to go uphill and downhill both, one after the other. It was time for me to break from the cocoon, it was time for the papillon to see the light of the day once again, and this time it was not bound to earth, it had the freedom to fly. I threw the cigarette I was smoking and rang Suniti up.
“Nothing is wrong now” she was certainly confused but I guess she tried not to increase the complexity of the situation.
“Yes, that’s more like Sameer”
“I want to say something to you”
“What?”
“Thank you”
“For what?”
“For something you will know”
For the first time in many months, I was feeling alive again. I asked myself, what was it that I wanted? Did I want Jia? No. Did I want love? No. I wanted peace. But how could I get peace when each and every moment I was haunted by the memories? I decided something very vaguely. Four years back I had made a decision, I had decided to say yes to her, and it had changed my life. That day again, I decided something; something that I knew was again going to change my life.
1 comment:
great going sirji.....
Post a Comment